A Eulogy for Myself

By: Mia Palencia

They say that people only live once and they also die only once. I believe otherwise. I think, a person can die multiple times as long as he wishes to. I learned that death is not only confined in one form. Death assumes different forms however people see it. I have always been afraid of death, but now that I’ve grown up, I learned that there is more to fear than dying.

The year 2023 is the hardest one for me. I have lots of struggles that I cannot share with people even to those who are closest to me. I fear opening up to them. All I know is that I am really tired and I just want to rest, or have someone who will stay with me even in my worst case attitude. I am a big mass of paranoia and overthinking and irrational conclusions. I hate myself for feeling so much attachment and affection to certain people and those days are the days where I am choosing to kill a part of me. I am actually burying myself.

I have long held to this part of me where I want to keep everything together, the part that hopes for a twist of fate, and the part that tells me I cannot go on anymore. It’s been a long time already and I know that this part of me is really tired and that it wants to rest forever. I cry in the morning whenever I wake up, and I cry in the depth of the night whenever I try to sleep. I know that deep inside me, this part of me is really dying.

I constantly tried to define myself to others and justify all of my deeds. I used to make unnecessary efforts to make myself a perfection that other people seek, and always wondering what they think of me. Honestly, I even went into imagining what they might say to my burial. This thought shows how much I yearn to hear some kind words and compliments about me, and maybe words I might only get when it is too late for me to hear.

I am too busy to even give a thought to how people make me feel. I am too caught up in my own world and problems to even appreciate the people around me and that only when the halting hands of death grab me do I snap into awareness, and it dawns that I am gone forever.

I used to overthink such things, and while I am busy thinking about these, I didn’t expect that I’ll really come to this point in which I need to write a eulogy for myself.

One of the cliches part of this is I did not even get to bring myself to say or show how much I love my family, but the worst part there is, is me overthinking again in whether they’ll miss me or how much they’ll miss me, and until when they are going to miss me. I may seem selfish with these thoughts, but I can’t help myself not to think about it. But then, on the second thought, I also wish that when I die, they won’t think too much of me. I wish that they move on as fast as they can, and move forward in life even without my presence.

They say people come and go. Indeed. My life came into this world too late and will be gone too early. I’ve only known myself for such a short time that it felt like it is just a part of a fleeting dream in my afternoon nap. I am not even closer to my dreams, and to my goals. I badly want to reach the stars, and now I will finally become one of them. I guess, I’ll reach my safe haven sooner or later. When I bid my final adieu, I’ll be with the stars where everyone looks up to me and admires every part of me without criticizing what I possess. I might not be remembered by thousands of people, but I think I will always be held close to the hearts of those who really care ‘cause I am a proud bearer of myself and up until now, I drew my dying breath and I showed that life wouldn’t be so much fun if I keep living it for others. But I really hope they will be happy when I am gone, for now I am assuring them that I’ll go to a beautiful place over there. I don’t know which place it is, all I know is this place is on the other side, but I believe it is somewhere beautiful and heavenly.

Now, it is the right time. It is the right time to say goodbye and there is nothing I can do about it. I know I can’t cheat death. All I can do is to accept my fate. I hope this world will be a place with warmth and love and be like blooming white flowers in the field though it might seem impossible and hopeless. Only then I’ll be with the stars in the night sky smiling and shining brightly upon this hopeless world. I love you all. Adios!