by: Mia Palencia
memoir
If you are reading this, it means that I am already a cold corpse inside a coffin, but believe me when I say that I am lying. Just kidding. I am still breathing and kicking because out of a hundred reasons to die, there is still one thing that remains as my reason to live.
If my mother knew everything, then, maybe I would become a disgrace. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I saw an evil inside me. Staring straight with my own two eyes, my thoughts filled with ‘it’s either I’ll kill him or I will be killed by my own hands’. The voices in my head keep saying to do that, these and those.
“Move faster, you’ll gonna be late in school.” My mother called my name. I turned my gaze at her and gave her a lovely smile before I bid goodbye.
Sitting beside the window of the classroom, I am silently looking outside. My teacher called my name, “— I am asking you…”, but I didn’t even dare to care. She’s fumingly mad obviously, but here I am, looking as if I didn’t care at all.
Other children bullied me for living in the world only I knew and whenever I looked at them, I saw their eyes looking at me with insult, mockery and disgusts. I thought that they always talked bad things about me behind my back, such angels in disguise. I don’t want to be touched by anybody, I trusted no one. Family? Friends? Cut the crap.
The voices in my head keeps telling me that no one loves me and I don’t have a single friend in this world, so I better stay in my own world.
At night, before I go to sleep, I would comb my hair two hundred times while looking at the mirror as if I am communicating with my other self. The one that filled with hatred and madness to the God she used to serves and to the world she lives.
“There is no God.” I murmured. “If there is God, then where is He? If He is real, then why did He let me go through this hardship?” I asked myself. There are many problems in the world, but the thing I considered as the most difficult one, He gave it to me. There are many bad goons who are greedy, steal and kill innocent people, so I asked myself “why me of all people?” I served the Lord in the church, I always do good things as much as possible. “There is no God. He is a fake.” I murmured repeatedly.
I can’t be able to sleep tight. I don’t want another nightmares. I nearly vomit by the touches, I am disgusted by myself. I cry alone at night for that thing actually happened even if I wanted it to deny. I feared that devils will come get me if ever I close my eyes, for I am a murderer who murdered the one that sinned me inside my tyrant mind.
I am not aware of what time I fell asleep every night, and every morning, I will look again in the mirror with rage in my eyes. “Why do you have swollen eyes?” mother asked me. “It’s nothing. It’s always like this every morning.” I reasoned out then gave her my sweetest smile.
I was alone at our house, everyone were out. They are probably somewhere on our neighbors houses, and I was the only one who always caged myself inside. I was looking at the mirror, having an staring battle at the girl in front of me. She had a murderous eyes, I was afraid of her. Then, voices, once again conquered my whole being.
“Die! Die! Disgusting!” I could hear the mocking voices of the devils beside me. “Nobody loves you. Just die! No one cares for you. Just die! Die!” Every painful memories of me comes back like a flowing water that I can’t be able to stop and it hurts.
I tried everything I could do to stop the suffering of my mind and my heart, but for an unknown reason, nothing had been a success. I tried to cut my wrist, I tried to hang myself. I always hurt myself because I believe that to die is the only thing for me to have a peace of mind. “But could it be the end of the suffering of your soul?”, I heard a different voice for the first time inside my head and a sole tear fell from my eyes.
I went to church on Sunday, and during the preaching, the precher preached about forgiveness and told us a through to life story according to him. There is a girl who is a victim of rape. She was mad to the one who makes her life miserable, who wouldn’t be? She questioned God, she was mad at Him. Then, she watched on the news that the man who raped her has been putted in jail. Things happened and she always go to church. Years had passed, one day, she saw the man who raped her on the church she attends. She became furious, the anger in the bottom of her heart awakened when she saw him. The unexpected thing happened is that man became her husband.
I was stunned by the story. I felt guilty. That girl had much worsed experience than me, but she still learned to forgive and embraced the life before her. She was very strong and brave to do that.
I couldn’t kill the one who sinned me because I am afraid of hell. If I could kill myself that day, is there any difference? I would still go to hell. That is when I realized, if I still believe in heaven and in hell, that only means that I still believe in God. There is still a part of me that trust Him and his plans. I could still forgive, but never will I forget.
Slowly, I gain courage and strength to smile again in front of other people. I still have low self-esteem, I didn’t want to socialize, still an introverted one, but at least I tried to make a better version of myself. I bring my happiness and my passion back, books and poetry, which I decided to threw away ’cause I don’t intend to be happy anymore. I intend to finish everything, but things happened and I’m able to bring myself back.
I have hundreds of reason to end my life, but only one thing change my mind. Family? Friends? It’s neither, because the only reason why I am still alive is to serve God. I am not a perfect person, I still do bad things, I think bad about other people around me, I feel mad, loneliness, and I even tell lies. Well, that is because I am still a human being and I am perfectly imperfect, and this perfectly hidden depression, or should I say craziness, will forever be in my memory. It is a memoir that I will always cherish because this is where my faith had been stronger. Everything happened for a reason, indeed, because this is where I found my purpose, my reason to live.
The Scribes 